The profile of the month is chosen by the MSIF editor from those submitted.

Alexander (Sandy) Burnfield

Email: (May be contacted through www.goldenbuddha.org)
Date of Birth: 5th December 1944
Year of Diagnosis: 1969
Occupation: Consultant in Child and Family Psychiatry
Country of Residence: UK
Type of MS: Secondary Progressive (currently stable)
Sex: Male


I first realised I might have MS when I was a 20 year old medical student in 1965. Although there wasn’t a definite diagnosis at the time, the first symptom - blurred vision in my left eye - was indicative of MS. Then there was little information available and MS wasn’t talked about. I therefore discovered the implications of my condition by studying textbooks in the medical school library. It was a big shock.

I felt lonely and alienated. I could not talk about my suspected MS as people did not believe I had the disease because I looked physically healthy. I could hardly believe it myself. Then a couple of years later in 1969, whilst working in a casualty department I lost the use of my right arm. I still didn’t want to accept that I had MS. However, I was persuaded to go and see a doctor who confirmed the diagnosis.

My prime mechanism for coping was denial. There were two of me at that point: one who was frightened about MS and the associated symptoms; and one that was carrying on as normal, and that was the image I wanted to portray to the world. I was aware I was living a double life. In the case of a disability that is invisible it is quite common to want to prove you are ‘normal’ to others. Although denial is often regarded as pathological, it can be a very effective way of coping if it is not overdone. It is a stage that can be passed through.

It was important for me not to be diagnosed before I was qualified. I had met several people who have had their careers ended as medical students because of a diagnosis of MS. I see my denial as positive as it enabled me to get through something that was important to me. Some may say it was dishonest! My own view is that I was not actively being dishonest, I was scared of the truth at the time and reacted out of fear rather than a need to control the situation. I felt that if people had picked up on my MS at that time I may not have been able to pursue a career in psychiatry. Perhaps I would simply have been put out to graze!

Over the years I have adjusted to my diagnosis. Undoubtedly the early stages were the worst, which is true for most people with MS. If feelings of sadness, anger, fear and so on are dealt with early, you are generally able to cope better later on - this is a grief process.

I went through a period of depression and took antidepressants for a while. However, what helped me most was meeting another ‘sick’ doctor who was also depressed. She told me that I had MS, I was becoming more disabled and that I should expect to be depressed. That not to be depressed, frightened or angry would have been abnormal. Being given permission to be depressed was a great release. I was then able to ‘come out’ and found I became positive. I suddenly saw my priorities differently and was able to make some important life decisions. I was able to see things in a wider context than my own egocentric concerns.

I feel that we all have disabilities of one kind or another, but some are more obvious than others. It is possible that some disabled people may be able to transcend their experience and become more positive, but illness can also make people bitter and some people may continue to deny the reality of their situation in a negative way that is not helpful either to themselves or their families.

When telling people that I have MS, people often don’t really know what to say or do. Some people say ‘Oh dear, I am sorry’ as if I am going to die tomorrow. However, I have become skilled at knowing how to deal with other people’s uncertainty and distress. I try to put people at ease by saying ‘Don’t worry, it’s OK, it’s not a problem’. This puts me in the position of not having to think about my own predicament and to focus instead on this other distressed person.

I no longer think about myself as a person with MS, I forget about it most of the time because I have had it for 35 years, a longer period of time than I lived without it. We can become a new person every time we breathe in and out, and when we wake up in the morning - I try to reinvent myself every day! I do not see my identity as a fixed thing but a changing part of a greater whole. Buddhist ideas and practice have helped me to see that my actions, and how they effect others, are what really matter.

I first came to Buddhism in the early 1970s when I was going through the ‘why me’ and ‘it’s so unfair’ stage and I had to make sense of my predicament. As a young doctor I was also meeting many others going through their own distressing experiences. This made me search for an answer to all of this suffering. I did a lot of reading about Eastern philosophy and psychology. Around this time I also began a Jungian analysis and was introduced to Lao Tzu and Chuang Tzu. I value wonder, magic and mysticism because we can never know the whole truth about our existence without them.

Of all my reading, two books have been very useful sources of wisdom: The Way of Chuang Tzu and The Dhammapada. This reading really helped me get the balance right and get my cognitive distortions out of the w ay. Indeed, Buddhism has helped me pay attention to what is going on in the moment, and see things in the broader context - the greater whole.

I particularly like illuminating stories, especially if they are humorous. I think humour is very important to our well being. I laugh a lot, I enjoy laughing and I like to hear other people laugh. It’s very good for your lungs, your stomach, your brain and your psyche! It also helps to release tension. It was Horace Walpole who said ‘Life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel’. I like that.

Further information:

Multiple Sclerosis: A Personal Exploration, by Alexander Burnfield, Souvenir Press.

ISBN 0-285-65018-1 http://www.amazon.com

http://www.buddhismnow.com

MS and Children Sandy discusses the major issues for a child of any age when a parent has MS.

View article