Q. I’m 37 years old and my husband, who has MS, is now very disabled. Being his sole carer is very demanding, particularly as he is unable to do any self-caring. I’m also trying to hold on to my job.
Recently, a co-worker has been showing an interest in me, this has come as a pleasant surprise. I have never been unfaithful, but honestly it would be nice to have a sexual relationship with a healthy person who doesn’t need anything from me. In trying to justify this temptation I tell myself that an extra-marital relationship might rejuvenate me and actually help me to be a better wife and carer for my husband.
I’ve read some chatroom conversations and find that some partners of severely disabled people are really opinionated on the topic of extra-marital relationships. The problem is that arguments on both sides are valid. I was wondering if there has been any research done in this area that may help me?
Thank you, Ann.
A. Unfortunately no research exists that can predict what would happen to your relationship with your husband if you were to have an affair. We have heard from partners of people with MS that an affair was destructive and as a result, an already precarious relationship deteriorated beyond repair. In other cases partners report that an affair helped the well partner to maintain his or her care-giving commitment.
We do know that this is not an uncommon dilemma for partner-carers. In her book Surviving Your Spouse’s Chronic Illness, Chris McGonigle writes that “…the question to have an affair is intensely personal. Each person has a unique set of values and religious beliefs…so each must be the sole-decision maker…”
Although the final decision is yours, it might be helpful to talk over your feelings and doubts with a skilled, counsellor or psychotherapist.
Reference: C. McGonigle. Surviving Your Spouse’s Chronic Illness. Henry Holt and Company, Inc. 1999. New York.

Q. My 19-year-old daughter was recently diagnosed with MS. My husband thinks she should know but I’m afraid that the news would scare away her boyfriend, whom she plans on marrying. If our daughter doesn’t have any visible symptoms why should we tell her and risk the chance that she might end up alone?

Sincerely, Assunta

A. It’s very dangerous keeping this type of information from a person, even if she is your child. Since MS is an unpredictable disease, symptoms could occur at any time and could be more or less debilitating. Also, not being informed about MS precludes her from beginning drug therapy that could help slow the progression of the disease. Furthermore, living well with MS is all about being informed and making informed decisions. The sooner a person with MS has accurate information, the sooner she can begin the process of adaptation and coping. Your daughter doesn’t have this possibility if she is kept in the dark about her diagnosis. It is likely that the time will come when she will have to be told the truth due to new or worsening symptoms. There is a strong possibility that she will resent not being told the truth from the beginning, which creates other serious problems for your parent-child relationship.

A psychologist knowledgeable about MS can help you consider these and other aspects related to your situation.

Note: The idea that a physician can communicate the diagnosis of MS to an adult patient’s family and abide by wishes not to inform the patient is a very difficult cultural and legal issue. In some countries it would be unheard of and in others it seems to be more acceptable.